When I had surgery on the race, it was a long process of healing, recovery, infection, healing, recovery.
I didn’t literally have surgery on the race (although, my broski Cody did). But I had major surgery on my identity. Coming home, it felt like all of the stitches were ripped out too early. Like I got gangrene after everything had seemingly healed. I fell down the rabbit hole, so to speak. As written in the first three blogs, it was incredibly difficult.
2020 started pretty hopeful. I’d laid down the whiskey and wine bottles. Hadn’t drank in a few months. I was back to a routine, as I mentioned in part IV. I was getting to know people and places again.
I got a new job. A very simple and ordinary one. Working in receiving for K-State in facilities. It wasn’t the job I wanted, but the people seemed like a good team to work with when I was interviewing, so I accepted. I read a book called Atomic Habits by James Clear. He talked about how when you’re trying to form new habits, it sometimes means hanging out with certain people less, or going to familiar places less. For me to get healthy again, for me to progress in my identity and who I’m created to be, it meant leaving my job for a new start. I highly recommend the book.
I started a new job.
Then a week later…COVID.
My job was considered essential, so I remained working through it all. I didn’t get extra rest. Didn’t get extra time at home. It was a tension of being glad I was working, but thinking about how much I could be studying for my personal training exam and a million other things with that extra time. My gym routine fell apart very quickly, as all gyms closed. It was hard to feel motivated. Everything was heavy. Most of my friends were at home. I was working. I missed people. My favorite places. The gym. My life.
As summer came, it felt a lot like hope. And it was rather uneventful, really. I finally got to escape to the mountains of Colorado for a week in late July/early August. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to board a plane except for when I was leaving for the World Race. I stayed with our amazing squad coaches, Mike and Char. I only had three goals for this trip.
One was to hike and camp at least for a night. Which was perfect because Char also loves to hike. I needed to breathe in the air that one only gets from being in the mountains. To breathe it in slowly and deeply.
Two was to drink stupid amounts of coffee with Mike. Mike is a coffee snob much like myself, and its actually the first conversation we ever had, dating back to August 2018, when we were at training camp. We did, most definitely, accomplish this goal within two days of my arrival.
Three was to find some deep soul healing. I had some scrapes and bruises. I had a few stitches still on the mend. I got up early. I read. I wrote. And while I left the mountains still healing, it was certainly a deeper healing. The infection all got cleaned out.
See, sometimes a wound has to be left open to drain it, and I think re-entry was a lot like that. It had to be left open to drain the infection out. There were a lot of short seasons spent wondering if the infection would ever completely go away. There were times of inflammation, times with a lot of pain. But the wound was left open so it could continue to be healed and cleaned.
The wound has started closing up, the surest sign of true healing. I’ll have a hell of a scar from it, but I’ll bear this one proudly.
I spent a year doing a lot of wondering. A lot of being lost and found. A lot of following and trying to lead and failing. A lot of falling and getting back up. Sometimes limping to get by due to the blood dripping from my knee (a lot like the time I fell in the middle of the highway in Colombia…but man, I didn’t spill a drop of that salted cream cold foam cold brew, right, Ryan?!). It has been a long year of wilderness. But stepping up on to the summit has the clearest view of why it all happened. And dang, it is such a hopeful feeling.
And so this is it. This is where I leave you with the final words from my World Race journey. You’ve likely read it all: from when I was accepted to leave, to a year after coming back.* The future is looking brighter, even amongst the pandemic happening. God is very much alive and well. I have found a community of people ready to jump into real, alive, deep community. Who love each other insanely well. I’ve picked up studying for the NASM Certified Personal Training exam again, as well as gone back into nutrition and regular workouts myself. It’s a clean slate.
That offer is on the table for you, too. A clean slate. Sometimes we have to live with consequences from the past, but it doesn’t mean you can’t start fresh with where you are. That is the offer Jesus always has for you. Would you dive into that? Would you be so brave as to stretch out a hand and ask for help to get there?
*FUTURE PLANS: You’ll notice I didn’t say after coming HOME. I’ve come to realize that Home is now so many places all over the world. But as for the future…J and I have spent a lot of time talking. A lot of time exploring possibilities. Ultimately, we’ve decided that Costa Rica is calling. As soon as all my school debt is paid off (2-3 years), I’ll be moving to San Jose, Costa Rica to work with my host I had there. In between now and then, I’ll remain at my job at K-State, while working on my training certification so that I can do online coaching and programming while in Costa Rica part-time. The goal is to create a discipleship program there. We will be building this from the ground up, but I could not be more excited for the work I will get to do there. While it is a few years down the road, I have some things planned in between. I’m holding them with an open hand, but I’m excited for what is to come.
THANK YOU to all of my donors, monthly supporters, all of you who have prayed for and encouraged me over now a two year journey. May God mightily bless you and everything around you.
