F A M I L Y

Merry Christmas from Penang!! It’s actually the evening of the day after Christmas here now, but I wanted to say all of this while it was fresh in my mind and heart.

This was my first Christmas not being home. There’s been a lot of firsts for me on the Race.

First time out of the country.

First time seeing poverty in a real and raw way.

First time trusting God to provide miracle after miracle.

First time I’ve missed the Christmas Cloverton concert in Manhattan.

First time not having wassail at Bluestem Bistro in the 8 years I’ve lived in Manhattan.

First time to exchange Christmas gifts with 14 people who, until about 6 months ago, were all total strangers.

I thought Christmas would be a lot harder than it was away from home. Maybe it was easier because I got to hear Hallelujah Christmas by Cloverton by one of our squad leaders, Alex. Maybe it was because we DID have wassail, because my squamate Ryan wanted to bring a family tradition into our day. Or maybe it’s because Home is where you make it. Maybe home is wherever Jesus has you put at any given time in your life. And maybe some seasons, home isn’t a place, but the people you’re surrounded by.

I don’t say this to hurt my family, or make it seem like this year away from home is easy. I care about my family, my sister, my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandpa. I want to saying advance that this blog was hard to write, but I need to be honest about what I’ve been walking through the past few years with holidays and family. Some feelings might get hurt and some things might get said that some people don’t agree with, but this is my story, and I really feel I’m supposed to share this.

I’ve done a lot of reflecting on holidays, specifically the Christmas season. I listened to Nothing Like Christmas by Anthem Lights, which so much flooded me with memories of what Christmas used to look like for me. We used to always drive around Nortonville and look at the Christmas lights. Christmas Eve night was for a special dinner, sometimes just my parents, sister, and I, sometimes with my parents’ friends, but our Christmas presents always followed dinner and dessert.

Christmas day was always a little chaotic, but in a good way. We’d go to my dad’s side in the morning and open presents mid-morning after everyone was there. Sometimes we had lunch there, and sometimes we went to my mom’s side for lunch. My mom’s side was always wild. She’s one of nine, so there’s a ton of us kids. We’re mostly all out of college now, but the cousins still all somehow get put at “the kids’ table”, even now that a few of us have kids of our own.

Christmas Day was always a day I looked forward to. Not because of the food (okay, maybe for my aunt’s triple layer mint dessert), not because of the things I got. It was simply being with family. It was talking and playing Apples to Apples and movies and catching up. It was FUN.

The past few years, there’s been a lot of turning of that. The holidays have honestly become something I didn’t want to even be home for. There’s been some conflict on one side, and though I’ve still decided to go be with my parents, and both sides, its just hard because we aren’t all together. I love being together with them ALL. I can still go, but without everyone together, it just isn’t the same.

This time last year stacked even more when one of my grandmas went into the hospital a week before Christmas. This time last year was one of the hardest months, and the beginning of what would be the hardest season of my life. But if I’m being real, this isn’t the reason the holidays are so hard this year, or the past few.

They’re hard because I’m not with everyone. They’re hard because I want to see forgiveness; I want to see conflict get resolved. I want to be together with my whole family when I get back.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing. I’ve thought about it a lot lately. I’ve read a lot of scripture on it lately as I’ve dug in the past few months:

Ephesians has been one of my favorite books to go to through the past few months. It’s rich and raw and SO full of encouragement and then some. Chapter four is my favorite chapter, and Paul ends it with this:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”–Ephesians 4:32

Closing statements are generally some of the most important because they’re the last thing you read, and generally the first things you remember about a letter.

Everyone probably knows this scripture from Matthew:

“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”–Matthew 5:44

However…I don’t know that I ever thought to tie it back to 1 Corinthians 12 until recently:

“Love forgives everything. Love is always trusting, and always hoping, and never gives up.”–1 Corinthians 13:7 (Worldwide English)

Sometimes people hurt us. Sometimes its friends, sometimes family, sometimes coworkers, etc. People aren’t perfect. We say and do things, sometimes not even intentionally, and we hurt one another. We’re called to love. 1 Corinthians 13 is the description of love. If we’re really loving people, we have to forgive. Over the past few years, I’ve really chosen to dig into this myself. I had some broken friendships, and I knew they were dragging me down. So I called the friends. We met for coffee and we talked. And there were words and tears, but we walked away better for having talked. We forgave. We decided our friendship was more important than the events that had happened. Our friendships are stronger because we have had conflict and reconciled it.

I’m going to end this with a quote from one of my favorite writers, Jamie Tworkowski. It really drives all of this home to me, and I think a lot of people have broken relationships that need reconciliation, repair, forgiveness, whatever you want to call it. As someone who has wrestled through it, and is in the thick of seeing what numb silence over a year does, I can tell you that it is worth it. Forgiveness is unique in that when you give it, you also receive healing. Sometimes even more than the other person. I pray you take these words, that they’re received well, and that whoever it is you need to forgive, the silence is broken, and relationships are restored.

“If you love somebody, tell them. If there is conflict, let it go and fight instead for peace. Break the numb false silence and break the distance too. Laugh and cry and apologize and start again. This life is short and fragile but [family] is among the greatest miracles.”

I’ll do a more fun post about Christmas in Malaysia, because it was amazing. But this had to be posted first.