S U R G E R Y, pt I

The days and few weeks leading up to launch were a blur of goodbyes, seeing everyone I could. This did my heart good. I’ll admit that did not spend near enough time at home with my parents, and if I could go back and change anything, it would be that. My family has been through a lot the past year, and I should have been much more intentional with them before I left. There was no way to say goodbye to everyone I wanted to, but family should have been at the top of my priority list. To my family: I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you while preparing to leave. It wasn’t fair to you, and I am truly sorry.

The day before leaving for Atlanta, I spent the day with my mom and two aunts, then saw a few friends before parting to Kansas City. We ran last minute errands, then my mom dropped me off with my friend Katie, who was on the same flight to Atlanta the following morning.

I had two friends on my flight to Atlanta, and it was truly a blessing to have them there with me to send me off. It hardly seemed real, that it was the last time seeing so many people before I left for a year. It was all surreal at the time, though I never really felt nervous or had anxiety over it. That was all God, because I truly thought I’d be having a panic attack on the flight from KC to Atlanta.

My friends prayed over me and we parted ways, they to their next flight, and me to meet up with some other squadmates and other friends from the two other squads launching with mine. We hugged big and took a deep breath. I think all of us were still in awe of the journey ahead. Still so unknown, but here we were about to go.

We got to the hotel, dropped our stuff, checked in, and waited for everyone else to arrive. The first night of launch was a lot of excitement, until I read a single facebook message. The mood quickly went from excitement to feeling like I got a punch in the gut, wrestling hard things and realizing this trip would not be so easy to leave for.

This message was from someone who I care about a great deal, despite what she has decided to believe. She seemed to be backing me for going on this journey for the past year, and then a major bomb was dropped on me. She said she didn’t at all support me going, that I was an embarrassment, and that she was done with me. Her words cut deep, but I did my best to respond out of love. I felt like my heart was ripped out, and I realized that choosing my faith over those I loved was part of this journey, hard as it was in the moment, and still is even now, on the other side of the world.

Some of us ordered prophetic keys with a word for our journey. I didn’t open mine until I was on the flight from ATL to LAX, the beginning of the journey to the Philippines. My jaw dropped and I shed a few tears once I saw it.

I’m on the O-Squad (5th generation). We call ourselves Ohana. Per Lilo and Stitch, Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.

I don’t know if this key is related to just my squad, or the ongoing conflict with family, or both. But I pray over this word and key all the time since seeing it. Whatever it means, I know God will continue revealing it to me throughout the Race.

A lot of who I am, who I’ve been, and who I’ve known myself to be has been stripped away from me in a matter of months. I’m no longer a graphic designer. I’m no longer living in Manhattan, Kansas. I’m no longer a Young Life leader. I’m no longer a regular at Bluestem Bistro or Arrow Coffee. I’m no longer a barista at Sparrow Specialty Coffee. I am no longer who I’ve been. I am in the process of becoming who I was created to be.

God’s doing some big surgery on my identity this year, and while I’m excited to see what is to come, it is a painful process. A friend got a word for me back in January. He said that who I am isn’t bad, but that I’m not who God created me to be. I’ve cried more tears for more reasons than I ever thought possible since those words fell on my ears on New Year’s Day. I’ve fought through some hard things. I’ve let go of parts of my life that I never thought I’d be able to. But it’s because I’ve been clinging to the Truth and who He says I am that I was able to overcome those things.

Being here in the Philippines, as I said in another post this week, has been hard. I’ve been sick. My team is still getting to know one another, and there’s been some conflict (though once feedback was given, was quickly resolved). Yes, I’m on a beautiful island. Yes, I’m with an amazing team. Culture shock is hard. Being with people who don’t know me the best is hard.

The scalpel has started cutting. Masses have been removed. There’s still more, because it wasn’t caught earlier and it has spread. Stitches and healing aren’t here yet. I trust the Doc performing this surgery, and so I know it is necessary to move forward. The closure and stitches and healing will come, but for now, I’m still in surgery, still in the operating room.

While you are in the waiting room, waiting to hear how surgery goes, here are some prayer requests:

-Team unity. We’ve fought through some hard things so far, but are continuing to get to know and love one another well.

-Fundraising. I’m only about $6,700 from being fully funded! All donations are tax deductible! To donate by card, simply hit the ‘donate now’ button at the top of this page and follow the prompts!

-That surgery goes well. It’s a process and I have to remind myself continually to give myself grace through it all, that it’s okay to not be okay while walking through this. Please pray for me to allow all the surgery be done so that I can truly walk in new found healing and freedom.

***this is not talking about an actual surgery, but a metaphor for what I’m currently walking through. No reason to be alarmed or think I’m laying in an actual hospital bed on the other side of the planet!