It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you, but when we are apart, I feel it too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain with or without you.

Yes. I just quoted NSYNC. It applies.

This applies to various stages of my life throughout the past year and a half.

I felt this at the end of January, 2018 when my grandmas died, four days apart.

I felt it the last time I was at MLCC, knowing I wouldn’t be there the next year because I’d be in Panama and Colombia in June and July.

I felt it saying goodbye to friends and family at home when I left for the Race in October last year.

I’ve felt it at least once a month for the past eleven months. October, November, December, January, February, March, April May, June, July, August. Philippines, Thai, Malaysia, Lesotho, Swaziland, South Africa, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, and here I sit in Ecuador.

I felt it when one of my best friends told me he took the job offer. He is flying to Seattle tonight. He’ll be there for a few days seeing what the setting of the next chapter of his story looks like and feels like.

I feel it now, preparing to go home. Leaving these people who have loved me hard when I was hard places. When, honestly, I didn’t feel I was worthy of love. They spoke love and truth when I was believing fear and lies. In a few weeks, we part ways.

I don’t have a nice package and bow for this blog. The race is tearin’ up my heart, and I think that’s okay. 

It means it was all real.