something’s gotta give

Being home has been the most difficult part of leaving.

Who would have thought?

I constantly find myself trying to fill the void left by my squad. I was known intimately by so many of my brothers and sisters in Ohana, and to be apart for so long now–it is just hard. There is no easy answer, there is no filling the void.

Yes–100%, Christ is the answer. But what happens when all of the people who built you up, who know you, who call you higher, are scattered back out, and the closest one is still four hours from you?

Honestly, I’ve fallen into a pit. This void can’t be filled, but I find myself continually wanting it filled. This community was for a time and certain places. There is no going back. All I can do is move forward.

I miss my squad. I miss feeling like what I was doing was actually making a difference in other people’s lives. I miss so many things about the race and the culture our squad cultivated and took wherever we went.

So what now? Where do I go from here?

I’ve been back for just over two months now. And every week is still a rollercoaster to me. People feel far away, no matter how much I try to cultivate a new community here. I’ve grown and changed in the past year. And it’s hard coming back to the same setting in which my character was prior to launching out on the journey of the past year.

My squad leader, Alex, wrote me a letter which I received the other day. As I read it, everything he said was true and running through my mind. He said he wasn’t sure which would be more difficult: me going back to the same place or the old place getting used to the new me. The truth is, Alex, I’m still not sure which takes the cake. But both are hard.

I don’t know why I was called back to Manhattan. Not sure why I’m here again. The people, sure. The place, the setting in which I find myself again is both a comfort and a wall right now. It’s push and pull, give and take.

All I really know right now is that I can’t stay here forever. Something’s gotta give. I have to move forward. I have to climb over this wall, but I don’t know when to go. Or where to go. But something’s gotta give.

XOXO,

Vicks