B E A U T Y

I was super girly when I was little. Pink and purple were my favorite colors, I played with Barbies 24/7, I played dress-up daily. Glitter, all things pink, ballerinas, all the things. Dresses were all I would wear. This was me.

I don’t know exactly what age it happened, but I realized I didn’t fit in with who I wanted to fit in with, and was made fun of or excluded from playing with certain kids because I was wearing dresses and couldn’t do the sports things or exploring.

At a young age, I decided I would be a tom boy so that I could do all of those things. I put away the ribbons and pink, and traded them for scrapes and bruises, in more ways than one. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be with these friends. I wanted to be accepted. I was maybe four or five when this happened, and here I sit at twenty-nine processing that making this decision nearly twenty years ago left deep wounds that are just now healing. Being girly, meant being excluded and it meant pain, so I buried it, afraid of what could happen if I was actually me.

What started all of this processing?

Lipstick. Mary Kay Mulberry Muse Lip Suede, to be exact.

A few nights ago, we had a special team time, and I wanted to put a little more make-up on than normal. There’s a lipstick I bought last year, really just on a whim, because I basically never wear lip color of any kind. I almost didn’t even bring it with me. What was the point? Everyone sees me as a not girly-girl, and I don’t want to be known for being girly because it only brought pain and rejection before. So why would I start now? I’m living out of a backpack for a year. I think He snuck it in my bag when I wasn’t paying attention, seriously. But isn’t it funny how such a little thing can trigger so much pain and so many identity issues?

Even as I’m writing this, I’m avoiding talking about how all of this got stirred up. So to get to the point of this story:

I put the lipstick on in my room, and when I walked out, several people on the squad were complimenting me and how good it looked. One said, “You are beautiful.”

I instantly felt like I was almost ashamed, like I shouldn’t be wearing it, and shouldn’t have people call me that.

I later told a few people that I don’t like dressing up and wearing more make-up than normal (which is very little, if I even wear any), because I hate how people react.

I now see that as an inaccurate statement. Why inaccurate? Because the truth is, I didn’t see what other people see when I’m called beautiful. Because I didn’t believe that I am beautiful. I have struggled my whole life to ever see myself as beautiful. From a young age, I saw it as something to run from and something to be afraid of, because being beautiful to me at a young age meant pain and rejection. I didn’t want to be a girly girl because of it. I didn’t wear make-up until mid-high school because I associated it with beauty, and even when I started wearing it, I didn’t want people to see me differently than before. Talk about identity crisis.

There is a difference between girly and beautiful–I’m not going to dive into that on this post. But I want to be clear in saying that I recognize that there’s a big difference.

Beauty.

What does that even mean?

Honestly, I still don’t know, but there will probably be a part II post to come. My prayer in writing this post is that girls will read it and truly know their beauty and identity in Christ.

Something wild happens when women step out of being uncomfortable in their own skin and walk in true confidence in the Lord. Something majorly shifts and it is–well, it’s beautiful. I know women like that. And they’re amazing, and I’m so thankful for them. Until lately, I never counted myself as one of them. Today that has changed. Why? Today I chose to put on the lipstick.

A week or two ago, I started being taught about identity from a squadmate. Lesson number one was this:

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.–Genesis 1:27

Believing I was truly created by God in His image is so elementary, but it’s truly changed my heart toward myself. It’s changed how I look at myself in the mirror. It is such a foundational truth, and yet we so often forget it. GOD CREATED ME. AND YOU. THAT’S AMAZING. YOU ARE LOVED (another coming soon post).

I spent most of last week reading Isaiah, and it is so full of truth and life. I want to share this one part with you, because in the midst of walking through everything mentioned in this post, I’ve had to decide to read and listen to truth about who God says I am. All of these things are true because says them. They’re written in His Word, and He can’t lie. Therefore, all these things are true. But they’re not only true of me, they’re true of you, too. YES, you, too.

“For the Lord delights in you,
And your land shall be married.
⁵ For as a young man marries a young woman,
So shall your sons marry you;
And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
So shall your God rejoice over you. –Isaiah 62:4b-5

My favorite part of a wedding ceremony is solely watching the groom as he sees his bride for the first time. Most people turn while standing to watch the bride come down the aisle. I face forward to see the expression on the groom’s face, and it nearly brings me to tears every time. The joy, the brightness in his eyes, GETS ME EVERY TIME. But here’s what’s wild: that is how God sees you and rejoices over me, AND YOU. How truly sweet that is to see, know, realize, and believe.

This was all sweet enough to read while I was spending some quite time with Jesus drinking coffee, but then my sweet sister and squadmate left this sticky note RIGHT NEXT TO THE SCRIPTURE I POSTED ABOVE. I looked at her and she simply said, “That’s for you.” #classicjesus #myfreakingheart

I’m starting to see beauty a lot differently than I did even last week, though. I’m starting to not be afraid of who I am. I’m starting to not be afraid of who I was created to be. I’m stepping into the roaring lion more every day. I’m not sure if roaring lions wear Mary Kay Mulberry Muse Lip Suede, but this one does.

Women: You are beautiful. You were created in the image of God. Believe that, and love that about yourself. Walk in that confidence. You were created specifically to be you. Not anyone else in the world is like you. You are a unique and rare wild flower. You’re beautiful, and you are so outrageously loved.

XOXO,

Victoria//Roaring Lion